flong, 09/18/07 05:13 (GMT)

The FUNNY HOROSCOPE that reveals the light (or dark) side of your personality Mostly hideously hilarious! Occasionally downright daft! Amuse yourself and make fun of your friends with the Sagittarius Hilaroscope (22nd November – 21st December). Character, love, money, future and much more ridiculously revealed. WARNING: May induce heart attacks or fits in those who take themselves too seriously.

Character
One good point about Sagittarians is their generosity. Another good point is that they are very enthusiastic. And one bad point about Sagittarians is that what they are most enthusiastically generous with is in fact other people's stuff. Offer a Sagittarian a cigarette, for example, and he'll pass your packet round the pub. Offer him a ride home and you'd better have a minivan waiting for his friends. Invite a Sagittarian to supper and… Never invite a Sagittarian to supper!

The Sagittarian is either very philosophical or very religious. Often obnoxiously so. Either way, Sagittarians usually have very strong and opinionated viewpoints which they will often fight to the death to defend if necessary. Many Sagittarians used to die as martyrs but the practice is now out of fashion. Never, ever argue with a Sagittarian. If he says ‘over my dead body', you know he most probably means it.

Patience is a virtue. It is also something Sagittarians have absolutely no concept of. When a Sagittarian says he wants something tomorrow, he is really thinking he should have had it yesterday. If he says ‘today', he means ‘last week'. And if a Sagittarius tells you, “I want it right now”, run away!

Having a Sagittarian as a boss is by far the worst thing that can happen to any worker. If you are a victim of such misfortune, don't hesitate to contact your workers' union. They should be able to help. Alternatively wait for your boss to say, “Over my dead body!”, and seize the moment! Many corporations place impatient Sagittarians in top positions to increase productivity, but they won't admit to this because it's illegal. If your boss never said when his birthday is, now you know why.

Sagittarians are hopeless scientists and inventors. However, if anyone ever manages to create a time-travel machine, it will surely be a Sagittarian. Invention is the daughter of necessity. Or something like that.

Love
Sagittarians fall wholeheartedly in love, but usually manage to climb back out again without major injury. In the long run, they tend to become somewhat indifferent. This problem is easily handled by relationship therapists who recommend good dose of fresh onion juice, known for its potent aphrodisiacal effect on Sagittarians.

Sagittarians make good lovers for those who can stand them (and don't mind the smell of onions).

Money
Sagittarians are not too worried about money, either because they make a good deal of it, or because they are happy with what they get from the dole. They are obsessed with punctuality, however. So always pay a Sagittarian promptly. Don't you even think of telling him that his cheque is in the mail. You'll never hear the end of it!

Future
Every time a philosophical question is answered, 10 more spring up out of the blue to take its place. This is Nature's way of keeping Sagittarian philosophers busy (which is not quite the same as gainfully employed). Unfortunately, Nature isn't smiling down upon the rest of Sagittarians who, after a short stint as ‘ruthless personnel manager' are bound to wind up as ‘sewer maintenance engineer', where they will be in charge of a small army of rats and a few dozen giant cockroaches.

Eventually, too much thought - or too little - ruins the Sagittarian's mind and many Sagittarians who live long enough end up getting dementia.

Famous Sagittarians
Louisa M. Alcott, Sri Athya Sai Baba, Friedrich Engles, Baruch Spinoza. You say you've never heard of them? Oops!

Ideal jobs
Sagittarians will make excellent philosophers, faith healers or yoga gurus.